she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
