she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And then my night got REAL pukey
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
