I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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