I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
