There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
