Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm always down for nudity.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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