1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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