the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
