I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
