I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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