I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
