They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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