why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
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And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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