Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
