I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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