nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
