dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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