why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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