Are we in a gay sports bar?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"