I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
