dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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