Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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