I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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