The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
