i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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