im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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