is your mom at the bar?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
