singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And my parents said I crawled through the house
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
