Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
