What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
