Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
