watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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