I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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