thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I wish there were birth control emojis
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
