you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
