the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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