he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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