I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
