also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
