I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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