I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize