You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
