I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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