Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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