Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
