So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
