I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
