so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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