His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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