I hate your face
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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