Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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