i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
