I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake