oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?