I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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