I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
