you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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